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smiling_gets_to_Pepe
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Name: Liz
Gender: Female
Interests: Family/friends, faith, Singing, helping people/meeting people, listening to music, humorous conversations, education-about the world/culture, food :)
Expertise: Hiding my real self. I wrote the novella "Liz Behind the music" :P cleaning things but having trouble organizing all my clean things..and then they get all dirty again, and I clean it quite efficiently..the circle continues
Occupation: Customer service/support
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  lizeluv05
AIM:  honeyks3
Member Since:
7/11/2005
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| fringe is in style?Maybe fringes are just trendy.
I don't know. I woke up this morning feeling like maybe I'm okay/normal to be feeling this way. Plus, if I have everything figured out already life would be so boring. Okay. I needed this random kick.
Maybe I should have just went to bed early last night instead of analyzing my future for hours. But, I woke up to another beautiful day to realize that I am alive and the sun is out...and maybe I'm just thinking too much about things I can't control. And the things that I can "control," I should just appreciate and enjoy life.
Man, I don't know what it was this morning, but I just feel like God kind of breathed some new life in me. I don't remember having any kind of epiphany of a dream, but it was just a feeling.
I am so amazed by the power of love. I was suddenly reminded of a hymn from church....especially these words last night:
Come back to me,
with all your heart,
don't let fear,
keep up apart.
trees do bend, thought straight and tall,
so must we,
to others' call.
Long have I waited for this coming,
home to me and living
deeply our new life.
I have always loved loved loved this...
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| fringesFringes are strange to me. They're strange because I don't understand their purpose. Do fringes on boots or rugs really serve a purpose? Besides material fringes, I wonder about those random points in our life where you wonder what you're supposed to be doing.
And you ask yourself questions like,"What's the deal?" or "Where I'm supposed to be right now?"
At this very moment, in this very spot at 1:15am in the morning, I feel myself gravitating toward a fringe in my life. I don't really have anything I can complain about. I had a fantastic winter break being home; reconnecting with my family and friends. I've had more genuine and deeper relationships with people in a long time...but I feel I'm on the verge of going back to an old/comfortable habit. That being, apathy. If something doesn't necessarily affect me, I will choose to not bother myself with it.
I'm getting more frustrated with myself because I feel that whenever I make efforts to make myself more vulnerable with people or just myself with God, the more I feel unimportant; slightly useless. Well, useless is a strong word...but as I was sitting in a club with some friends I kind of hit a really really low very quickly and started crying to my friend.
Why is it so hard to love myself?
Why is it so hard to let myself be loved?
And why do I care so much about being a loved person, but I give up on myself...when others haven't?
I get so worked up on not feeling like I belong or am going anywhere that I give up so easily on whatever I was working on at the time.
It's a pattern I notice in my life. I do it mostly with things to myself. i.e. I'll feel really insecure that I won't do well in a class anyway, so I put some effort in my writing but put it off to the last minute because at the very least I have an excuse for receiving a 'bad' grade since I did it the essay the night before or day of its due date.
You would think that if I set my expectations lower, it would be easier for me to not be overwhelmed, but secretly, I never let go of my high expectations so I disappoint myself even more because I know what I'm capable of.
I think I have a problem with motivation. Once I'm motivated to do something, I can spew ideas like crazy---but when I'm not [which is most of the time] I do very mediocre work and left feeling dissatisfied.
I am also capable of acting this way with relationships with people. I tend to start it out very open, being vulnerable, very trusting...but only to a certain extent in which as soon as I'm hurt once, I'll clam up immediately. On the outside I give off the impression that I am able-bodied and minded to get over it but that's really just me ignoring the fact that I'm still hurting...my pride was hurt.
I seem to be a well-liked individual, with lots of friends, loving family, lots of "stuff", a bright future....but I feel so lost sometimes. My heart at times feels like I'm aching for something...but I don't know what that is. I ache for His presence in my life...even though I know it's ridiculous because he's always around me...sometimes I feel so needy because I need that constant touch/word/smile that I'm needed. When I don't get enough of that, I feel misled and naked, because I just made myself vulnerable again....and have been left for something better. I doubt my value because honestly, I still get pulled into the trap that people give me value, not God. It's something I've been struggling with for a long time...because I used to [and occasionally I still do] think that whatever people thought of me or said to me reflected what God was trying to tell me about myself.
I constantly have to tell myself that I am loved. Cherished. Needed to work His work...but I don't know what it is that I need to do. And it's frustrating because I can't let go: I can't trust.
Some days I feel I can, but there are still days like today when I can't hear Him and all I hear are the whispers of what I'm not from discouraging people/events and worst of all....lies about myself from myself.
Anyone to stumble upon this late night blog actually might think I'm crazy...I'm just feeling particularly lost right now.
I'm just hurting. really badly right now. I had an amazing break...but I think it's also because I was ignoring a big chunk of thoughts that had been running through my head but I've just been pushing them further into the back of my mind.
I get annoyed with myself for having so much pride.
I get annoyed that I can't feel comfortable just being myself.
I get annoyed that I can't love myself enough to want to make the positive steps towards change in my life.
But God and I will have a chat tonight...I just feel like I can't really talk anymore about any of my problems because I'll burdening those close to me. I can't help the way I feel right now. And I know it's a cycle that I'm in, and I'll up on an up slope soon...I just don't know when.
But the new semester is starting this week. So I feel like I need to shape up, or take on the mentality of "go big, or go home." But with past experiences have shown that I opted for the "go home" I'm hoping to speak more positively to myself and let myself be encouraged by God and others.
Okay, well that's all for now and I'm off to bed. I'm teetering between fringe and non-fringeness of life.
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| fun with friends=D we made this video awhile back...=D
good memories haha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZkuYQOZ8Ng
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| I cantored for another funeral this week...
They asked that I sing the Psalm Shepard Me O God.
I am always moved by this song.
"Shepard me O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life..
God is my shepherd, so nothing shall I want, I rest in
the meadows of faithfulness and love, I walk by the quiet waters of
peace.
Gently you raise me and heal my weary soul, you lead me
by pathways of righteousness and truth, my spirit shall sing the music
of your Name "
At the very most, there was about twenty people in the church for this woman laying in the casket. It was a meager number to me, and I started to feel sorry for the lady. But when I looked up from the pulpit...every one of them were crying.
Who needs a fanfare of friends/family at a funeral when you know there are at least twenty people in this world that love you with all their hearts.
Wow...and I know I'm really emo lately...it's been raining all the time. =P
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| hallo halloHallo 
So here I am again....a couple or so weeks later
Life has been pretty busy lately, but I'm trying to take out the time to do some studying...yes..for the LSATs....I'm not going to take the LSATs till maybe December though....but I think just for the heck of it I need to start studying NOW. Although it's been kind of hard to...I'm just not feeling motivated to do it. Sigh.
I've been thinking...alot...and I just want to make sure I graduate and get into law school...
anyway...
happier thoughts...
Fourth of July was a great time! My family and I spent the entire day shopping!!! Afterwards, we had dinner and headed to the fireworks for the night....fantastic. :) I took some great pics --i'll upload them :). [check under photos]
My brother's birthday was this past weekend and we threw him a big party at the house yesterday :)! For such a last minute event we had quite a few people show up :). ALthough I think I ate about 5lbs of food last night....gah.....it's okay though, cuz I'm still running with Tsunami and we ran again this morning :).
Tomorrow will be my first full day at the restaurant....I hope I survive. Other than that...the only thing that's new is that I've stopped my personal training and am attempting to go solo this month. :) I hope to lose a couple of inches before the start of school.....speaking of school.....I go back Aug. 22nd! Ridiculous!!! 46 days till I'm moving back....sigh...I think that's too soon for me to go back. I've been enjoying this time off. and my advisor STILL hasn't gotten back to me....seriously...if I get a call tomorrow when I'm at work all day...i don't know what I'm going to do...
sigh.
I seriously need to focus on just three things a day...honestly my brain can't handle this anymore. I have to do some zen breathing or something...haha....le sigh.
stile nacht.
prayer requests:
keep shana and all my friends from CSF in your prayers...they left for Kenya a few days ago to do some amazing work for two weeks. :) I'm sooo excited for what they'll share when they get back.
also...for my friends still out there in the field...that they're staying strong and can feel God's presence at their side...
All the victims of all the natural disasters that have been occuring lately....that within all this destruction around them, they will be able to pick themselves up and rebuild their lives with all the love and support from the surrounding communities.
For those born today.
For those who've died today.
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