| | Fringes are strange to me. They're strange because I don't understand their purpose. Do fringes on boots or rugs really serve a purpose? Besides material fringes, I wonder about those random points in our life where you wonder what you're supposed to be doing.
And you ask yourself questions like,"What's the deal?" or "Where I'm supposed to be right now?"
At this very moment, in this very spot at 1:15am in the morning, I feel myself gravitating toward a fringe in my life. I don't really have anything I can complain about. I had a fantastic winter break being home; reconnecting with my family and friends. I've had more genuine and deeper relationships with people in a long time...but I feel I'm on the verge of going back to an old/comfortable habit. That being, apathy. If something doesn't necessarily affect me, I will choose to not bother myself with it.
I'm getting more frustrated with myself because I feel that whenever I make efforts to make myself more vulnerable with people or just myself with God, the more I feel unimportant; slightly useless. Well, useless is a strong word...but as I was sitting in a club with some friends I kind of hit a really really low very quickly and started crying to my friend.
Why is it so hard to love myself?
Why is it so hard to let myself be loved?
And why do I care so much about being a loved person, but I give up on myself...when others haven't?
I get so worked up on not feeling like I belong or am going anywhere that I give up so easily on whatever I was working on at the time.
It's a pattern I notice in my life. I do it mostly with things to myself. i.e. I'll feel really insecure that I won't do well in a class anyway, so I put some effort in my writing but put it off to the last minute because at the very least I have an excuse for receiving a 'bad' grade since I did it the essay the night before or day of its due date.
You would think that if I set my expectations lower, it would be easier for me to not be overwhelmed, but secretly, I never let go of my high expectations so I disappoint myself even more because I know what I'm capable of.
I think I have a problem with motivation. Once I'm motivated to do something, I can spew ideas like crazy---but when I'm not [which is most of the time] I do very mediocre work and left feeling dissatisfied.
I am also capable of acting this way with relationships with people. I tend to start it out very open, being vulnerable, very trusting...but only to a certain extent in which as soon as I'm hurt once, I'll clam up immediately. On the outside I give off the impression that I am able-bodied and minded to get over it but that's really just me ignoring the fact that I'm still hurting...my pride was hurt.
I seem to be a well-liked individual, with lots of friends, loving family, lots of "stuff", a bright future....but I feel so lost sometimes. My heart at times feels like I'm aching for something...but I don't know what that is. I ache for His presence in my life...even though I know it's ridiculous because he's always around me...sometimes I feel so needy because I need that constant touch/word/smile that I'm needed. When I don't get enough of that, I feel misled and naked, because I just made myself vulnerable again....and have been left for something better. I doubt my value because honestly, I still get pulled into the trap that people give me value, not God. It's something I've been struggling with for a long time...because I used to [and occasionally I still do] think that whatever people thought of me or said to me reflected what God was trying to tell me about myself.
I constantly have to tell myself that I am loved. Cherished. Needed to work His work...but I don't know what it is that I need to do. And it's frustrating because I can't let go: I can't trust.
Some days I feel I can, but there are still days like today when I can't hear Him and all I hear are the whispers of what I'm not from discouraging people/events and worst of all....lies about myself from myself.
Anyone to stumble upon this late night blog actually might think I'm crazy...I'm just feeling particularly lost right now.
I'm just hurting. really badly right now. I had an amazing break...but I think it's also because I was ignoring a big chunk of thoughts that had been running through my head but I've just been pushing them further into the back of my mind.
I get annoyed with myself for having so much pride.
I get annoyed that I can't feel comfortable just being myself.
I get annoyed that I can't love myself enough to want to make the positive steps towards change in my life.
But God and I will have a chat tonight...I just feel like I can't really talk anymore about any of my problems because I'll burdening those close to me. I can't help the way I feel right now. And I know it's a cycle that I'm in, and I'll up on an up slope soon...I just don't know when.
But the new semester is starting this week. So I feel like I need to shape up, or take on the mentality of "go big, or go home." But with past experiences have shown that I opted for the "go home" I'm hoping to speak more positively to myself and let myself be encouraged by God and others.
Okay, well that's all for now and I'm off to bed. I'm teetering between fringe and non-fringeness of life.
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| | Posted 1/19/2009 2:51 AM - 4 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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